paradisalost

Current Mood: hopeful

Entry tags:

+94

Who: Sam Winchester and the people he really owes an apology to: Dean Winchester, Jo Harvelle, Faith Lehane and Castiel. [CLOSED]
What: Sam making up for the things he did when he was soulless.
When: Friday night, November 4th, into Saturday, November 5th.
Where: Various locations in the castle.
Rating: PG-13
Notes: There are going to be sections for each person setting up location and such, and I'm setting them up in prose, but if you want to switch it up and actionspam it, that's good by me too.

Sam still didn't know what he lost for those two months, and more to the point, he wasn't sure he wanted to figure out what that was. He just knew that he had done some unintentional damage, and that he needed to fix it. He wasn't sure if any of this was actually fixable, but he at least had to try.

So he did what he had to do. He tracked down the people he had to talk to, crossed his fingers, and hoping for the best.

He just hoped that none of these blew up too much in his face.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Of course he read it wrong. He was reading everything wrong lately, and he knew that he needed to fix it. Whatever it was the castle did to him, any instinct he had with regards to how people were feeling was gone. So Sam just took a breath as she let it out, and let her finish before getting ready to get out what he needed to say.

"It wasn't weird. I don't know why I said what I did, or did what I did, but this is me trying to fix it." This was either going to work, or blow up in his face, but at least he was going to try.

He sighed. "And honestly? It wasn't really okay either. Because you dump me, but you still want me in your life, which at first I thought was fine because that was what I wanted too, but aside from the fact that we weren't sleeping together, nothing changed. We never got any space from each other, and I didn't know how to ask for it, so I didn't try. And I didn't want to have to. That's why I got the job in town. I needed to get some distance. My whole life in the castle couldn't be dependent on you." He exhaled slowly, letting his shoulders drop a bit as he looked at her. "After all, that's why we weren't together anymore in the first place."

"So again. I'm sorry for just letting things go, and I'm sorry for the things I said. I don't know how to fix things, but at least this is me making an effort to try."

Edited 2011-11-12 17:56 (UTC)

Jo crossed her arms over her chest, waiting for him to stop. She was trying not to get upset, at least not more than she was already upset at him, but it was difficult to do.

"Do you want to fix this, Sam? Because, I never asked you to spend time with me. Yes, there were times when it happened, but that's because this castle doesn't exactly let everyone just ignore everyone else. We had Hannah and I tried to give you space, but she..." Jo paused, because she didn't really want to use their fake-castle daughter in this fight.

"Look, aside from that and when you offered to help with the Lux, I've given you space. If you are trying to force yourself to hang out with me to spare my feelings - Don't. I don't need your sympathy friendship if that's all you want to give me."

"No, you didn't ask. I did it because I wanted to. I'm not trying to blame you, Jo. I know that this is probably more my fault than anything else, but I didn't want to have this fight, and I didn't want to lose you as a friend. I didn't force myself to do anything, but at the same time, I didn't do what was right for me."

His jaw set as he looked back at her, trying to not to explode and really screw things up. "You wanted me to tell you how I felt? This is me doing it. I'm just being honest with you, Jo. I don't want to lose you, but I needed to give myself a little distance. And I'm sorry that I didn't handle things well before."

Jo shrugged, "Fine. Take your distance, but you can't just wipe away the crappy way you handled it two months ago. I don't care that you got a job somewhere else; I'm glad you've got something to do, even. I'm just ticked that the time you were actually telling me something important it was about how messed up we were as friends."

She exhaled, trying to focus on the main point here and for the most part he was doing a shitty job of apologizing in her opinion.

"I can't make it less weird, Sam. There isn't some other place I can move to and I sure as hell can't just pretend you're not here. I don't just have castle stories to rely on for memories with you, Sam. I've got everything from back home too. So if you need space? Fine, take your space. I told you to sort your shit out before and if you can't have me around for it, then that's fine. You obviously know how to find me, so if you need to - you're more than welcome to."

"I'm not trying to wipe it away, Jo. I'm trying to apologize and say that this wasn't your fault. This is mine, and the reason I'm trying to fix it is because we have all that history. And maybe I'm doing a crappy job of it, but I don't know why I did it. I honestly don't."

He took a breath before running a hand over his face. "You mean so much to me. You're not the only one who only has this left. I don't want to lose you over a stupid loss when I don't even know what that was." Which he realized made it infinitely harder to apologize for.

"I was taking my space. And things were fine. And then I had to open my stupid mouth and not do anything about it, so yeah. That's on me. But I'm honestly trying to make it better now."

He was really hoping that this is something that better late than never can apply on.

Jo shoved her hands into her back pockets, trying to let herself cool off. She knew that she could let her temper and her stubbornness lead pretty strong in an argument, but she had been really upset by what he had said, how he'd acted. In this moment, she was really lucky that she was even willing to listen to him.

"Just because you recognize that your mouth was stupid, doesn't make what came out of it any less true. That's the part I'm trying to sort out, because if you still think that it's weird, or you need more space, I don't want to get in the way of that."

"I don't need any more space than I'm already getting," Sam replied, looking her dead in the eye and not flinching. She already knew that he was a good liar, but he'd like to think that she knew him well enough to know when he was telling the truth as well. "Before my mouth was stupid."

Well, the beauty of her loss was that everything she'd been saying had been the truth too, there was no way for her to cover up or lie about it. Not to him and definitely not about this.

"Alright." It doesn't feel alright, but she knows that it just won't go away in an instant. His apology - as crappy as it is - doesn't make it better, but it at least lets her know that he's trying.

"Alright," he said softly, some of the tension leaving his shoulders at this. He knew that that wasn't perfect, but she at least seems like she doesn't want to bite his head off anymore. That's progress, at least? "So ... we're okay? Or we will be, at least?"

Jo frowned, shrugging a bit.

"We'll... we'll figure it out, Sam. I just, it really hurt and I know that it was something else - something castle whatever, but it doesn't just make it better. All the time, this castle does things and everyone just assumes that knowing that it's not our fault makes it better faster. It... it doesn't though."

"I know." And he did. Losses like this don't really make things easier on anyone in the long run, but they have a way of getting things out there. It had a way of people finding out things sooner or later.

"Do you need me to give you space?"

Exhaling, she shrugged her shoulders for a moment. The thing that really bothered her was that she really didn't know how to move forward with this. All of the relationships she'd had -- weren't able to be classified as such and having him around was new territory.

"If I thought it'd help, without a doubt, I'd say yes. I just don't know if it's going to help or not. Both of us tip-toeing around the other doesn't seem right."

"Okay."

He didn't really know what to say after that, but at least it wasn't another boundary he needed to add. And to be honest, he didn't want to tiptoe around her -- especially now that Dean was back, and he might want them to actually do things together.

"So ... I'll see you around?" That seemed like the right thing to say, more or less.

"Yeah, of course you will. I work in the castle, Sam. I'm here visiting friends and being as normal as this place will allow."

He hated how awkward this felt, but he would take it for now. Hopefully that would pass, and they could fall back into the way things used to be again, sooner or later.

"Okay. I'll see you around."

Which was ... almost exactly what he said five minutes ago, but he wasn't sure there was much else that he could say that wouldn't dig him in deeper.

Jo nodded, and moved to continue the rest of her way home.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

+94

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject